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Reading baudelaire while on a cosmic high is now my favourite analytical engagement.


life is good.
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a girl asked me tonight "if you saw yourself at a club would you approach yourself?" my response: if i saw my self at a club, i'd run for the shotgun behind the bar.

ps:. i'm telling you now, i'm only about writing love songs & requiems to the little breathing pieces that perish within me. who would've thought there was anything else left to die, but the joke always seems to be on me. its almost like i'm a nympho master assassin, fucking & killing even in my sleep what i once held dear. i reconstruct the self destruct or is it that i self destruct to reconstruct? the longer i live the more damage i do... & its pretty obvious that i'm not dying.

pps:. I hate this place. why the fuck am i still here?
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why is it that my heart is always right about to board a plane to leave me? this time to cuba for a fucking week.
also it should be noted that i fall in love too easily nowadays. & everyone i fall for turns into jesus christ within 24hrs. forgivers of my sins. lovers of my soul. blood & wine turn me on.


this coke from rio has me jittering like a jitter bug. who says shit like this?
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alive but barely breathing.

what should i do?..

I'm sort of seeing this girl, but after meeting her familia, i realize her sister is the one for me. beautiful & recently divorced.. red flags? i love them.

PS Happy new year bitches. twenty ten is ours.
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waking up to find out that you're not real. never were. a fucking manifestation, frankenstein. it was just a beautiful nightmare. some cruel hoax you played on yourself & now its time to pick & peel those scabs, nice & slow, savour that pain like salt in freshly cut wounds so you know not to do this again. i promise to never again speak your name. lesson #987534 learned. requiems requiems.

edit: EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
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cold. wide awake. your whole anatomy is spidey tingling. your nervous system is screaming ITS ALIVE like youre fucking dr frankenstein.
also its comforting knowing the puddle of tears you were laying in was your own. it wasnt your carpet though.
i'd recommend removing me from your friends list b/c from here on in nothing will make sense.
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bronchial infections taste good when blended with puffs of outstanding kush you didn't drop a dime for. yeahh yeahh yeahh la la la i hate the fact that my paper heart boarded a plane to nyc this morning without me. maybe by submerging myself in the bath tub i can send her sonar love messages, one fucked up heart to another.. or death threats since we're both on that morticia addams freak shit.. but whatever i have my fortress of solitude, reefer cavalry, romantic hardwood floors & classixx remixes to keep my company tonight.

phase 2

Aug. 23rd, 2009 04:23 pm
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“ you can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened … or you can just leave the pieces on the floor & move the fuck on."


— tupac
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2 days no sleep just snort shower chill rinse repeat. it feels like theres about a million ants crawling on my skin. i think i'm in love but at the same time i want to puke. i can never never make this girl happy & it totally depresses the fuck out of me. i want to write her a song with subliminal messages, i want to write her beautifful words on the walls with my own vile blood, her amazingness i want it in injection form. im handstands under fluorescent lighting
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i'm at a scattered lonely place at this save point in my life. can you spell somewhat damaged, kids? i've come to the depressing conclusion that i'll be aimless forever, doomed to walk the earth looking for some kind of answer that i still have no fucking idea what the question was to begin with.. minty fresh breath & GSR, yeah?

serious repercussions of this shotgun riding insanity affecting me later on in life include but are not limited to:
1. being addicted to that dirty bitch crack cocaine.
2. the final string of my sanity being cut by the years of aimless wanderings & love affairs with numerous drugs. which would happen when i'm:
- 45 years old,
- in aisle 7 in a grocery store,
- 6:45 P.M.,
i'll be buying hagen daz for myself & lover. eleven paces from the self-checkout lanes.
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band of gypsys. one of the greatest albums in existence. its perfection. period.
I've been wearing this straw fedora for days now. straight havana style. sans cigar.
i'm drawing a mental blank so i'll just write about the awesome painting i bought today.
i was in shop with my homie paulie when i saw her.. splattered on a canvas, lost in the music, her face is wearing the beats exploding from her headphones. looking at the painting i could feel the groove that she was riding. it was pulsating through me... best $79 i've ever spent.

"I'm the finger down your spine when all the lights are out..."
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Eric Dolphy always hits me with the live stuff
Bahamadia back the sounds with the love love
T.J. and Lisa real peoples 89 and still
In Fort Green on diamond back is where I'm at
Feelin' da funk da funk that's in the trunk the trunk
I feel the funk da funk, feelin' the funk da funk
I'm feelin' funk da funk I'm in the trunk da trunk
Feelin' da funk da funk, I am the funk
I raise everyday for the mass
Tote my fist right up right against the fascist
Descend to my borough digs my diction
It's way on time
Pass the watch fifth line still shining
I'm left this year a unknown player
In my vein lives bell hooks Derrick Bell, Reggie Butler
See Marvin knew it, and Sly knew it
Cube know it and now we do it outta Brooklyn
Outta sight brown sandals handle in M.C.s with angles
Commit to street corners where players be jayin
I'm saying a Digable swinger
Word to mouth brought the clout 'specially in the summer
We vanish like vapor
Burn paper
We deal real-real so chill
We linger in the funk.

I'm drowning in a plethora of notes, fonts, & early 90's beats.
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i don't look in the mirror because i'm a narcissist.. i simply like to watch myself exist.


& rust & decay because i'm a woman & a machine.
i sort of want to crawl into bed under down filled comforters with the windows wide open & winds blowing everything into place.. its one of THOSE days. i miss her terribly, but my pride wont allow me to swallow & my inescapable destiny wont allow me to forget.

so its back to the drawing board stronger than ever. my mind is a fucking circus of thoughts today.

lol holy shit i am such an idiot/asshole.
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a complicated life with complicated pains.
drinking to forget. fucking to remember.

blendered

May. 5th, 2009 08:46 pm
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last night i made strawberry daiquiris for myself at 3am cause i couldn't sleep. i also didn't have rum & i had to use grey goose that was in the freezer. they were good though, & i fell asleep around 3:30 like a lush.
a certain girl is causing massive butterflies to erupt in my stomach.. sort of makes me want to do gasolina shots & burn the fuckers out..


Me & my crew in a little tour show
Learned to flip the door with the money we've got.
The blocks stay hot getting knocked it's on
Till one by one we were gone.
Subway sparks, after dark.
Flash the message: something's out there...

musical entries..
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i'm eating the marshmallows out of hannah's lucky charms...

surprise surpirse.
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there's a lot of things i really hate.
the ones that take the cake though are:

when anime characters laugh or cry.
when girls hate.
fanny packs/neon pants.
when i get loaded, tanked & i get reeeeally unlady like.. k no wait i like this..
when restaurants don't put forks in your take out bag. pickel barrel why you do me like this?
the bandaid under nelly's eye.
when mail carriers deliver my mail to everywhere but here.
the way i always manage to lose my smokes whenever i go out.
the stupid dj at "the barn" who didn't know who curtis blow is. straight fuckery.
not being able to leave someone's house because the door doesn't lock by itself, the person who's house it is has the keys, & is out doing various errands. & i left my cellphone at home so i can't even call anyone to whine about being bored.
& that's why i'm making ridiculous lists. cmnt & i'll make you a list of 10 ways i'll kill you.
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laying on hard wooden floors reefa in the oxygen & she gives me a one way ticket to trainwreck city first class seats no stops.. but when did i get here? how do i get back home? whatever that is. & now you caught my heart for the evening.. kiss my lips move in you confuse things.. do i just sit out or come harder? help me find my way...

hahahaha

Apr. 24th, 2009 02:52 pm
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a: do you know where the washrooms are?

b: just fucking piss yourself & get out of my face already. i'm busy.
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i'm taking a ride
with my best friend
i hope he never lets me down again
he knows where he's taking me
taking me where I want to be
i'm taking a ride
with my best friend

we're flying high
we're watching the world pass us by
never want to come down
never want to put my feet back down
on the ground

i'm taking a ride
with my best friend
i hope he never lets me down again
promises me I'm as safe as houses
as long as I remember who's wearing the trousers
i hope he never lets me down again

never let me down
never let me down
never let me down

addictions over relations.
stability, infinite.
do you think that we are driving too fast?
i never want to come down.
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